Will I regret the stars I slept under, the roads I hitched?

Cover of "Into the Wild"
Cover of Into the Wild

On the Road, Into the Wild, Dharma Bums, Fight Club, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Catcher in the Rye

While I wait for someone to offer me the job as Chief Executive of a Major Organisation (It’s going to happen right? I mean, I’m on Linkedin and everything) I want to re-read the above books while they still seem beautiful, because I hope that, in the future, the words of Kerouac and Palahniuk will seem adolescent, silly and sad. The authors seem to assume that a regular life is dull and unthinking; a conventional life not truly living*. And I don’t think that can be true if you love what you do.

I hope to love whatever is I do in the future. Right now, I just want something to do.

I am scared. Should I just have applied for graduate jobs straight out of uni?  Will I regret the seas I swam in and boys I kissed, the stars I slept under and roads I hitched? Should I have spent my early twenties in an office, sterile, sterilised, living clean and 9-5?

* “Colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middle-class non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets in each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the same time while the Japhies of the world go prowling in the wilderness to hear the voice crying in the wilderness, to find the ecstacy of the stars, to find the dark mysterious secret of the origin of faceless wonderless crapulous civilization.”

― Jack KerouacThe Dharma Bums

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

― Jon KrakauerInto the Wild

“I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.”

Chuck PalahniukFight Club

“You are not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.”

Chuck PalahniukFight Club.

Ok fine, so I saw the movie for the first time last night. I know. I’m a little behind the times. And now I just want to eat up every line, because, because it’s Fight Club. And the first rule of Fight Club is, you do, ah, nope, forgot the line : )

“On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that’s me
So I can breathe…

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they’ll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes…

Don’t come closer or I’ll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you…

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I’m never what they thought
I’ve got my indignation, but I’m pure in all my thoughts
I’m alive…

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they’re singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Eddie Vedder, Lyrics to Guaranteed, Soundtrack to Into the Wild



Leave a Reply

  1. Exactly what’s on my mind, but i don’t hope that these words will seem adolescent, it’s a really sad thought…let’s hope we’ll find a way to live a descent life in compatibility with our spiritual way of thinking.
    You seem to be doing great, all the moments you live and lived, that’s what the man in the office is dreaming of.

    Anyway I took my guitar and played Guaranteed, what a nice way to begin this rainy day. Thank you!


    • Guaranteed, man that is the nicest way to begin a day! Rainy days, you back in France now? Hey, if I had money I wouldn’t be dreaming of an office, but a little cash is necessary to feel free, maybe. That’s how it feels right now. Hope you’re doing good! Do you write as well as write and play music? Would love to see your writing site if you have one, I’ll bet it’s good!

      • Oh yeah I know that feeling, that causes a lot questioning, and these books give me confidence, but yes reality/money catches up…
        I couldn’t left France yet, but i’m planing a trip in UK, maybe Ireland by the end of the year, and then Croatia in April. But I have no idea what’s going to happen until then, so it’s just projects for now! I wish i could just go, but you know how it is.
        Oh,I write a little in french, nothing extraordinary, just my thoughts and trips, and i don’t master english writing enough to feel comfortable with it! I’l stick to lyrics for now ;). I’ll let you know when i realease my next Ep, i think you’ll like it!

        Hope you’re allright and enjoying! Keep it up!


  2. Yeh, looking forward to hearing the next ep! If you make it to Edinburgh on your UK trip, we should meet up and sing some songs : )

      • Both are great cities. Glasgow – arty and cultured, Edinburgh beautiful. And the west coast of Scotland is just unreal, so desolate, and plenty of uninhabited islands for your Into the Wild moments. Never read Glu, I’ll have to look it out and get to grips with Edinburgh dialect again. Thanks for the tip! Just now I’m reading the college part of Steve Jobs biography. I think it’s saying that if I just walk about barefoot, take a lot of LSD and only eat carrots for a week, a decade later it’s pretty likely I’ll be a millionaire entrepreneur. Sounds fun!

  3. Dear Ailsa, since I can’t find other way of sending you this message, I apologize in advance for posting it here, Hope it will come to you with the meaning it is written. Let me tell you a story. Story describing an event that happened to me yesterday. I met a person. She was standing few feet from me while all those nice girls were showing off new clothes at yesterday’s fashion show. My mind went wondering: ‘How can someone like that girl stand on this side of the promenade?’ It took me a while to realize that her physical beauty is not something she wants to show off. I let it go. Music ends, people start talking, guests are drinking champagne, atmosphere in the hall is filled with good feeling energy. I see the girl again, she is being in service to others. Something special happened inside of me in that very moment. Feeling of uniqueness of attitude she approached guests will stay with me I wish to believe forever. Every time I remember her accepting voice, honest and heartfelt look of her eyes and welcoming language of her body, I feel presence of something beyond all descriptions. I’ve met many people in my life, but yesterday was the first time I met someone who is emanating pure feeling of ‘home’ through every aspect of her being. That person is you dear Ailsa. It is easy to believe that I was not the only one who was impacted by your presence, and I realize people might be telling you this often, but it is my deepest wish to share with you what I felt and feel about you anyway. Every time I remember you, I experience feeling of gratefulness just for your existence. I wish such an experience to everyone and I’m grateful there is someone for whom it is natural to give to others what they need most. So my dearest, I’m not telling you who I am and don’t want you to reply back. I write these words because you deserve to know how you as godly being is fullfing her mission here by making people feel who they are just by simply being and living your life. I also want you to know that there is someone who loves you unconditionally. Not because you look the way you look, or behave in such a beautiful way to others and to world, but simply because you exist. When you looked at me I saw right into your soul and Goosh let it shine the way it is because it is the greatest, most divine thing one can ever experience.
    I wish you from my heart, let all your seemingly impossible desires come true because YOU deserve it all my dearest. I wish you will live the life of you highest fulfilment and hope your journey will be full of happiness, joy and love.

    • cupcake8million Posted on congrats- your liinvg my dream since you won’t see your family/ friends for a long tie you could go cheesy- wish you were here or on the trail again or Where in the world is (your name)? Best of luck!

    • – I’m running out of thngis to say about your work Neil. It’s consistently excellent. You get great shots of everything, and I’m envious of your lighting. Well done again!

  4. Sound of rain drops hitting the window woke me up today,
    my mind went: ‘ouuu great, another Scotish shade of grey.’
    All my worries successfully taking control over me again,
    shouting, Please!, no more slavery or I will go insane!

    Suddenly I hear heavenly bird singing sacred song to my inner ears,
    woow, its beautiful voice, cleaning all my past tears and causing to drop my fears.
    Rain stops, clear blue sky is reaching to me,
    My mind is fresh again, he set me free!

    Now I see the bird, he’s coming down from the sky,
    impatiently looking for a place where he sat down,
    is he gone? No longer can I see him around,
    sad, walking away and wishing him beautiful earthly stay, while saying good bye.

    Waaiit!, singing tone of the morning voice coming from behind.
    I think to myself, it must be him! None else can make such a beautiful sound,
    I turn around but the bird still nowhere to be found.
    instead I see long blond hair and heavenly eyes in a most magnificent way combined.

    As I come closer, unspeakable beauty revealing itself is more and more,
    feels like kingdom of heaven to me is opening its door,
    feeling of pure perfection flourishes whole ME,
    when the same soul, just residing in angelic body I see.

    Light of her spirit expressing itself through those mysterious eyes.
    just like morning sunrise, feeding whole world with life giving light,
    couldn’t believe, must have looked again and check if I’m right,
    what I see? A God itself supporting my belief, it is not just me to whom this applies.

    Gently approaching this being asking for her name,
    one could imagine, this would be a real confidence game!
    But the rules when dealing with an angel are not really the same 🙂
    Without question I hear the same voice again…

    Ailsa, she says in the most beautiful way…

    Just want you to know…you turn lives away from grey

  5. Why did you come down from the sky?
    So I can teach others to wake up and fly.
    How? I calmly ask.
    We have no wings.. it must be impossible task!

    She says nothing, nothing at all,
    just her look suddenly my inner child recall.
    Ouuu beautiful moment, no need for more,
    she’s given me the answer I’ve been looking for.

    Just for a while does she always come?,
    yes! But giving one an opportunity to real become!
    Her uniqueness is nowhere else to be found
    she can heal even the most painful wound.

    By her presence unbelievable power one can find,
    flourished garden of life she leaves behind.
    She is gone, changed to bird again,
    but never again will I go insane.

    Freedom is her nature, everyone should know birds love to fly…
    no one could ever tell her otherwise and to deny,
    what she loves most – living in the kingdom of sky.

    One wish for you my dearest star,
    shine the light, and be who you truly are.
    Maybe I will meet you one day in the sky,
    now I have to leave you for I still don’t know how to fly

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